K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
