I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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