Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
