Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
