i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
