On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize