The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
