She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
