I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
