You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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