My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
