it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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