Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
