A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
