Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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