two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
