I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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