so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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