I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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