I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
