Are we in a gay sports bar?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Randomize
