she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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