your parents love me but you hate me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
