someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
