the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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