Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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