I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
