I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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