I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
