Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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