if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
