I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
