why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
