im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
