Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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