The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
organizing the empties. That sober.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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