I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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