Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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