Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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