I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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