Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
