Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
