My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
