my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
