i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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