it wasn't lemon gatorade
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
