I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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