The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
