the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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