so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
