I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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