so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
