Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize