Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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