I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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