I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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