Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
