I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
