She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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