he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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