Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
