you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
