I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
