just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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