Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
