yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
