I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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