I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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